the scent of the unknown.

I have not been here in a long time- my blog space that is. I have not had a poem in my soul for a long time now. I don't know why. I come here and read all that I have written and I don't even think its written by me.

There is something that is missing, a part of me perhaps? Or a thought? I don't know what it is, but deep in my heart there is a hollow feeling that something does not feel right.

I could be mistaken, this could be me.. simply reacting to me being sick for a long time.

There is a hint of scent that I keep noticing around me. I know it from somewhere or someone . . , I am not sure. It drives me mad, not to know why in my deepest thoughts, this scent suddenly makes me stir and makes me restless. Its not a thought, it doesn't even have an origin or an originator.. but it is there.. just there.

what is more troubling is that i keep feeling that I have spoken of breathing this scent before, I don't remember to whom or when. I don't want to lose myself in an abyss, but I may eventually land there.

I feel a power of an unknown scent
a whiff of air or is it a moment
I feel the pull of an unknown magic
completely divine or may be tragic
A name rises from the deep realms
reaches the lips and suddenly melts
only to become a teardrop and be felt.

when silences speak

words etch into the heart
rhythms make the soul dance
mind takes a surreal flight
when silences speak

I remember

I remember

the first words
the first steps
the first look
the first kiss

I remember

The last kiss
the last look
the last steps
the last words


I remember

The joy beaming
the passions brimming
the Ecstasy building

I remember

The sadness engulfing
the heart tearing
the spirit dwindling

I remember

Dewy

the dewdrops on the flower petals
and on blades of the morning grass
twinkling in the rising shine
all things look divine

dewdrop ,
you are born everyday anew
for the seeking earth consumes,
the lusty sun evaporates,
all that you have to give.

yet you live and laugh
for the loving trees shelter
and the giving flowers nurture
making you what you are!

Dewy

Musings

As I grow older, and as I experience life and relationships I find that I have greater sense of my worth as a woman and who I am as a person.

I am more comfortable in my skin than I was a few years or even a few months ago.

I also am ready for the next stage of my life and the excitement is just making me twinkle to the core!~


I am not restless, but am footloose . I devour each moment in life and sometimes even live a life in a moment.

I am who I am right now because of who I have been in the past. The journey has been rewarding and exciting.

lost and found

Every word was once a poem ..
every song was on someones lips
before it came to yours,
every thought came to someone else too
when it came to you.

- Ansh


*Wrote this sometime in the summer of 2004*

reflection

Standing tall on a mountain top

Her hair playing with the breeze

She looked down at the river brimful

That seemed distant as her past

The river was flowing smooth

Giving no clue about endured paths

but one who knows the mountains

Understands the rivers plight

Another day

The mind wanders on
The heart keeps seeking
The questions have no answers
and the pain no potion

The pain numbs they said
yes it does
It numbs the senses

And then you wonder
why you are almost dead?

A wish In Despair

A wish to run

A hope to fly

Away from where I am

Away from what I am in

To somewhere hidden

To someplace calm

Where people don’t scream

And they don’t judge

And they don’t hurt

A wish to feel the rain

On my bare skin

A wish to abandon

The do’s and don’ts

A wish to smell the breeze

Sitting in the rain

A wish to revisit a time in the past

And feel no pain, when I come back

A hope to live I want

A Reason to live I need

In despair I sit

In despair I write

In despair I hope

In despair I reach out!

Pondicherry

Pondicherry – Much has been written about the place. Some like it; some love it and some find it an ok place. There are some souls who don’t know about it. Fair enough.

The regular travelers would write about the quaint little town, with some colonial appeal that is fast diminishing. The foodie traveler would bring home memories of sea food, French restaurants, Pizzerias and Oven fresh bread.

Then there is traffic and cycles and scooters to talk about and also the narrow roads. A contrast to this hullabaloo is the area around Sri Aurobindo Ashram - Peaceful, eco friendly, neat and quiet.

A visit to Pondicherry won’t be deemed complete unless one can talk about visiting Auroville and the Matrimandir. The a forestation of land by people of about 40 countries, the community living, the eco friendly and scientific methods adopted by people, the arts and crafts . The serene MatriMandir and the quiet walk that leads to the main entry of the MatriMandir.

My visits to Pondicherry are always planned only to the point of buying the ticket to n fro. How I wish I could forego the need to buying the ticket for the journey back home. But reality, work and family beckons and I am left with the choice of being half a traveler and wanderer that I want to be. More on that later; lets go back to Pondicherry.

Pondicherry to me is a feeling, an experience and a realization. The visits to Pondicherry can never be an itemized list of Must do, Must see etc. And surprisingly, all my visits to Pondicherry have been spur of the moment decisions. “JUST GO”! My heart whispers and I go.

I find the non existence of an airport in Pondicherry, despite being a tourist destination a blessing in disguise. And if one happens to be visiting it via Chennai, then a treat awaits, in the form of the ECR – the east coast road. Tank up your car, fasten your seatbelts and put your foot on the accelerator. That’s exactly what Kay did. He drove as if he was on an F1 track and we loved every minute of it – with some moments of skipping heartbeats of course.

On Reaching Pondicherry, the ECR suddenly narrows and a chaotic traffic welcomes you. As you readjust yourself to this slow moving commotion, you take in the surroundings. If you are not a regular visitor to Pondicherry, you might start wondering why you even chose to come here. But have patience. This chaos has beauty and rhythm in it and would vanish as soon as you turn into the Ashram Area, near the beach, which was our destination.

This is the point where the contrast between the two parts of the town hits my senses. The tranquility is almost deafening. It goes so deep into the mind and heart that it starts hurting. As my breathing deepens the place fills me with energy. Not the bubbly boisterous kinds, but an energy that comes with being at peace with yourself. The harmony of the place with nature almost sings to you; only that you don’t hear the music, you feel it.

To feel this Aura one does not need to be a devotee who follows the teachings and sayings of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. The Place Pondicherry treats everyone alike and treats everyone to its divine healing power. The place calls you and then calls you back. It talks to you. Two of my friends, first time visitors to the place, made phone calls to family and friends and told them that they must come and experience the place. That’s how Pondicherry is. Experience! Feeling!

For you

I sought solace and I found it in you

I needed a rock and your hand steadied me

I meant to cry and you gave me your shoulder

and then made a bed of rose petals for me to lie on

I looked at the world with narrow eyes

the scorching radiance of it making me blink

you kissed my eyes and soothed them

I could see things differently

I feared darkness and you lit yourself up

like a candle burning itself to spread light

I sought, I wanted, I needed, I feared
And all you did was give.


Love is What I felt in you.

Pleasure in pain

Hurt hurts but heals as well

it feels bad when it is now

but once its passed

its always awesome

to see how you went from

pain to pleasure

and back again

monsoon

a sunshine through the clouds,
a breeze with the rustle of leaves,
a crsip scent of the far away sea,
and the deep dark longing of the heart!
Ah! man! monsoons are so romantic!

Desires

Awakening desires
stirring Emotions
A touch of your whisper
sends down a shiver
of pleasure and pain.

My burning passions
put my soul on fire
Subconciously
I surrender myself
to your unspoken desires

whispers

The sounds of the raindrops added the beat
To the rhythm of your breath
And the night invoked all deep desires

Your breath put a life in the deep hidden fires
You called my name in a soft whisper
And the wet cool breeze
Carried it to me

- uh - dont know the name

The silence was speaking
But was it really speaking
Wasn’t it my heart hearing,
What I wanted to hear?

I thought I found the reason
Why I felt connected
But the reason now
Feels like treason
With my own heart.

I did tell you
Reality will call
And would entail
A perfect fall

The reality did call
Didn’t it?

fir intezar

Intezar unka pyara ho gaya itna
woh aake chale bhi gaye hum reh gaye intezar main

intezar

Unhe khabar hogi kaise
gar aap baithe rahenge intezar main
Kya pata Unhe bhi intezar ho
ki mile khabar aapko unke Intezar ki

Random thoughts

I could never understand the meaning of pleasure in pain until I loved and set the love free.

I could never understand the pain of freedom until I was free yet wanted to be captivated.

I had only read in books that the heart tears apart, until I felt my heart ripping apart, peace by minor peace and I could feel my heart's blood dripping inside me.

I never knew ecstacy until I let myself be loved completely.

I didnt know that the joy of giving is in fact a pain beyond ones control.

There are so many things I dont know and probably never will until I go through them myself.

One feels a feeling only when one feels it oneself.

khamoshi

khamoshi se is diwani khamoshi ko sun lo
bhigi si is hawa main bhigi yaadon ko chun lo
kehna hai bahut agar tum khamoshi ko sun lo
khamoshi se is diwani khamoshi ko sun lo